I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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