I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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