I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
