I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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