also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
