No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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