Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
