Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
