i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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