mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
