Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
