my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize