I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize