Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
