they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize