Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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