I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
