How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
