I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Randomize
