Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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