You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
They have beer where we have blood.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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