all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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