Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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