im about as happy as oj after his trial
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
