I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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