There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
