Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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