I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
