Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize