WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
