help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
