Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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