so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
