the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
