take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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