Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
