Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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