maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize