I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Randomize
