6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
as a side note pls kill me
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
