Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Just pee around me
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
