he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
