I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
