Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I wish there were birth control emojis
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
