we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
she told me i tasted like america
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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