My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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