RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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