Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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