Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Just high enough for therapy.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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