The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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