Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
