just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
