After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
