She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
