sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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