You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
