foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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