i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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