jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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