The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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