now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
