Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
40s are totally the cure
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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