Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
