I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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