Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
