Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
