tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize