new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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