So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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