My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
