The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
