it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
